


Afterwards - BananaFish

by 20jld06



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Manga & Anime, Recovery, Sad, Sequel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-13 06:48:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29397900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/20jld06/pseuds/20jld06
Summary: Did you know that heartbreak isn't just a metaphor? People call it "broken heart syndrome," and it's real. Losing someone you loved so deeply is draining, so deeply, and emotionally draining. It's a rare case, but overwhelming loss has been known to effect physical health; including the heart. Thankfully, doctors can treat most cases, or at least help stop the never ending endurement of pain.Thats what was happening to Eiji. Or... at least that's what he thought was happening.
Relationships: Ash Lynx & Okumura Eiji, Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji, Okumura Eiji/Sing Soo-Ling
Kudos: 31





	1. Chapter 1

Dear Ash

Ash —  
I'm worried to death because I haven't been able to see you doing well.

You said we live in different worlds. But is that true?  
We have different colored skin and eyes. We were born in different countries.  
But we're friends. Isn't that what counts?

I'm really glad I came to America. I met lots of people.  
And more than anything, I met you.

You asked me over and over if you scared me. But I never feared you, not once.  
What's more is you're hurt much more than me. I couldn't help feeling that way.  
Funny, huh?

You're way smarter, bigger, and stronger than me. But I always felt like I had to protect you. I wonder what it is I wanted to protect you from.  
I wanted to protect you from fate.  
The fate that tries to carry you away, drifting futher and futher.

You told me once about a leopard you read in a book. How you believed that leopard knew that it couldn't go back.  
And I said you weren't a leopard, that you could change your destiny.

You're not alone. I'm by your side.  
My soul is always with you.

— Eiji Okumura

I guess that's technically the last thing he said to him.

-

"What?"

Unfathomable pain. That's one way of describing how he felt. Unfathomable pain tearing at the surface of his chest, his heart throbbing, beating so hard it was about to burst from the cage it was locked in.

Did you know that heartbreak isn't just a metaphor? People call it "broken heart syndrome," and it's real. Losing someone you loved so deeply is draining, so deeply, and emotionally draining. It's a rare case, but overwhelming loss has been known to effect physical health; including the heart. Thankfully, doctors can treat most cases, or at least help stop the never ending endurement of pain.

Thats what was happening to Eiji. Or... at least that's what he thought was happening. 

At first everything was stood still, silent, yet he was aware of every little movement and undetectable sound in the room. Aware of his own pulse beating in his ears. Aware of the hair stood up on the back of his neck. Aware of Ibe-San's watery eyes, searching for his own. 

Everywhere was swimming, and suddenly Eiji Okumura was drowning. Someone was forcing him deep under the ocean, allowing the salty water to scratch at his widened eyes that had somehow forgotten how to close. The air was closing in on him, his lungs compressed. Suffocating. Eiji was suffocating.

He was surrounded by all this water yet... his throat was so dry. 

"Sick." The young boy finally managed to muster out, "I'm going to be sick." 

Chest heaving, shoulders rocking up and down. "Cant breath." His hands were at his throat, clawing down his neck as though it would help him draw his much needed breath. 

Ibe-Sans lips were opening and closing, his hand reaching forwards and resting on Eijis shaking shoulder. He could tell the older man was speaking, but Eiji couldn't hear anything other than the ocean crashing against his ears. 

"...2....3....1....2....3" 

His head was still submerged underwater but the soft words leaving Ibe-Sans lips were finally audible. "Breath Ei-chan. You can do it. Just... breath."

Their faces were merely inches away, eyes threaded through one another's as Eiji listened closely to Ibe-San's words of comfort, until alast, his breaths had returned to a steady pace, caught in the lump at his throat. 

The older mans hand was caressing his face now, bringing it to his shoulder as they shared a somewhat awkward, yet comforting hug. "You're okay kid. You're okay."

Lies. It wasn't okay. How could any of this possibly be okay? 

Nevertheless, Eiji nodded into Ibe's shoulder, letting out a shaky breath in attempt to rid himself of the thoughts threatening to swarm his mind. He wanted to know, he wanted to know how, he needed to know how. Why? Why was he...? Who could possibly...?

He didn't know how long he'd stayed in Ibe's embrace. Not long enough apparently, because as soon as the two pulled away, Eiji felt like he was being pushed deeper into the never ending oceans abyss. 

"Sit down for a moment Ei-Chan," Ibe murmured, gesturing towards the small velvet sofa stood alone at the back of the room, "I'm going to get you a drink of water." 

Eiji slowly nodded, taking a step backwards in the direction of the inviting seat. But not before catching his own reflection in the mirror set on the wall, directly above the petite fireplace that clearly hadn't been used for some time. The boy staring back at him was a ghost. Pale as any sheet he'd seen, widened eyes like a deer in the headlights. 

It was himself. His legs shook as he took the next few steps towards the leather couch. It made an undesirable squeaking noise as he sat down, leaning into the armrest attached at the sides. 

EARLIER:

"I got a phone call from Max, Ei-Chan."

"Wow, so soon?" Eiji was practically beaming, to excited about the statement to notice the grave sight of Ibe's face. "How is Ash? Did he get my letter okay? Did Sing find Lao? When can w"-

"Ash is dead Eiji." 

"What?"

——————————

The conversation was engraved into his brain, written in big block letters by one of those permanent black sharpies pens.  
"Here." A glass of water was suddenly hovering infront of his face, snapping Eiji from his intrusive trance. The glass clicked against his teeth, shaky hands not allowing the beverage to rest comfortably at his lips. 

The silence was awkward. Unwanted. But what was there to say?  
What could he possibly say that would make any of this okay?

"I called your mother to come and pick you up." Ibe sighed, sitting down beside Eiji, the leather couch mimicking the noise it had made earlier. "She's on her way." 

"Oh." 

Eiji took another sip of the water he was given, letting the liquid run down his burning throat. It didn't help one bit, but at least it was something to focus on. Maybe calling his mother wasn't such a great idea, the poor woman was going through enough with Eijis father constantly in and out of the hospital due to his suffering from severe liver problems. But before he knew it, there was a light tapping at the front door, a soft knock that Eiji could only recognise as his mother's. 

"Oh Ei Chan, you're as pale as a ghost." His mother sighed sadly, her mouth twisted into a slant. "Thankyou, Ibe-San, for offering hospitality to my son." She bowed, before ushering Eiji to do the same. 

"My pleasure, Okumura San." He returned the polite gesture, turning to Eiji and crouching down to his level. "Stay safe, Eiji." Ibe said in a low voice, offering a right smile "you have my number, please call me if you need anyone. I'm right here for you."

The ride home was mostly silent, the low hum of the radio being their only source of noise. Of course Eijis mother had been told what happened, but it was difficult to feel sympathy on Ash Lynx's behalf. First of all, she'd never even met the boy, although she may as well have since Eiji would talk back and forth about him non stop. Second, she thought him too dangerous. Her son came back to Japan in a wheelchair, a gunshot wound in his stomach; only to find out that it was the second time he'd been shot since going to America.

She couldn't express this to her son of course, he looked broken enough as it is.... 

"How about chicken katsu for tea tonight, hm Ei Chan?" 

Eiji looked at his mother tiredly, offering a tight smile of reassurance. "Actually, I think I'm just going to go to bed." He nodded, as though he was agreeing with himself, keeping his head low as he kicked off his shoes at the doormat, and retreating to his room.

How strange. I cried so hard when we parted ways, to the point where they had to put me back in that dreaded hospital bed.... yet, why am I not crying now? 

The young boy pulled his shirt over his head, turning at his reflection and inspecting the bandages smothered over his torso. It hadn't even been a week since he came home from America, so his wound was still painful at the touch. At least he wasn't planning on going back to vaulting, because a massive bullet wound in your torso might be a deal breaker...

A sad chuckle escaped his lips at the thought, before piercing his lips shut once again. Photography, that's where his career was headed. For a long time he'd hoped that Ash would revolve around the pictures he took, and for a short while... he did. There were dozens of photos that Eiji had taken of his beloved Aslan Jade, all prepared to be printed off and plastered into folders and frames. 

Maybe it was a selfish thought, but he didn't want to share those photos with anyone; he wanted to treasure them to himself forever. After all, they were all he had left of him now.


	2. Chapter 2

"Oniichan, are you sure you're going to be okay?" 

"Don't worry Imoto San. I will keep in touch." Eiji looked down with a convincingly calm expression set on his face, caressing his younger sisters structure in his hand, softly running a thumb along her rosy cheeks. 

He felt bad leaving her in Japan. But he couldn't possibly stay here. There was no place for him anywhere but America, it was too painful to stay away. He'd fallen into a deep depression over the past two weeks, hardly leaving his own bed. Eating wasn't an option as it only made him feel as though he was about to throw up his own thoughts. Crying wasn't an option either; no matter how much he wanted to, he couldn't let a single tear slip from his eye.

Something steel felt like it had been placed on his chest when he'd heard about... the funeral. No matter what, he couldn't help but shuddered at the thought of the dreaded word. But of course he'd come, of course he would, he had to. 

A bag was slung over his left shoulder, holding all the belongings he needed for the plane journey that he and Ibe San were to endure. His suitcase was packed to the brim too, it was a last minute decision, but he decided that he'd stay in America for a while. 

"Please don't do anything stupid, Ei Chan." 

Eijis soft smile dropped for a moment too long, the eternal sadness in his eyes replacing his facade. He hated that people were worrying for him, he hated that they cared. But he couldn't complain. There were people who would do anything for him, and he the same to them, yet he still felt so empty and... alone.

"I won't."

-

Shunichi Ibe sighed, craning his neck downwards to see Eiji had fallen to sleep at long last. The two had hardly spoken since the day of the phonecall, and he was scared that it would stay that way forever. Poor Max himself sounded so broken while telling him the dreadful news, as if he'd been crying for hours on end. The man was like a father to Ash Lynx after all.

Peering out the window was a much needed treat for Ibe, the sunset was a painting of oranges and pink, the well remembered city of New York lit up beneath them. The temptation to wake up Eiji and show him the dumbfounding view was alluring, but the bags under the young Japanese boys eyes reminded him that this was probably the longest the poor boy had slept in a while, even if it was in the most uncomfortable airplane seat.

The two were going to visit Max and Jessica during their stay, the couple had a large house with guest rooms that they tended to rent out. But of course the Americans had insisted they used the rooms for free while the funeral was planned and endured.

Shunichi Ibe knew of Ei Chans plans to stay for a longer time than himself, he wasn't sure how long exactly. Maybe a few weeks. Maybe a few years. Maybe forever. There was no way he could say any input to as how long the young Japanese boy should stay, it was a decision that only Eiji Okumura alone could make.

As the airplane came to an abrupt stop, the sleeping mourner jerked awake from his deep sleep, peering around rapidly as though he didn't know where he was. "Ibe San? A-are we here already?" 

Ibe nodded his head in response, gsesturing to the large airport that was clearly visible through the small window beside the two. "You slept through the whole journey Ei Chan."

"I apologise."

Ibe raised his eyebrow, sighing sympathetically at the tiredness still hinted in Eijis voice. "There's no need." He hummed, as the air hostess began presenting the different exits and where they were located, "it seemed like you needed a good sleep."

It was the truth. Eiji hadn't been sleeping all that well these days. He had always been a light sleeper, ever since he was a young boy, but these days it was different. It was an insomnia that sat next to Eiji on his bed, staring down at him with its beady eyes, whispering threats into his ears. Every time he shut his eyes a blonde boy appeared, wearing gold rim glasses with a thin frame, emerald green eyes crinkling at the corners. 

He hated closing his eyes.

The airport itself was crowded as usual, it was a large and famous city in America after all, it was bound to busy. Eiji was surrounded by all these people who he didn't know; and didn't intend on knowing, yet he felt like he was alone in the grand building. Déjà vu gripped onto his shoulders, forcing him to look down at the floor where he could only see the stepping of multiple feet travelling around the airport. It hadn't even been three weeks since he was last here, it felt like yesterday... but yesterday felt like a lifetime ago.

He was adamant that Ash would come that day. He was so sure of it. So god damn sure of it. Yet he didn't show. At first he was sad, sad that Ash didn't want to be by his side, but the sadness turned to a hint of anger. The Lynx had told him they'd always be together, that he'd love to come to Japan, he made a promise.

That anger has now subsided to guilt.


	3. Chapter 3

A small humming sound was created by the radiator, cancelling out the silent threat that surrounded the room Eiji was lay in. Today's the day. Today's the day they celebrate a death. 

Funeral. A funeral is a ceremony connected with the final disposition of a corpse, such as a burial or cremation, with the attendant observances. 

Eiji thought it was an odd concept really. The celebration of someone's death. He'd never understood why funerals were there until now, the person is dead, long gone and never to return, so why hold a five hour ceremony just to eventually see them being buried six feet under?

IbeSan said that it would bring people closure. It would help people let go, and come to terms with the death of their friend. He understood immediately that the older man was hinting at Eiji himself; he'd not left Max's house since they'd arrived two days ago, not even to see Sing or any of the gang members he become acquainted with. 

He'd have to face them today. All of them.

The guilt was eating him up inside. What were they thinking? Were they mad at Eiji? Did they not blame him for Ash's too soon ending? Surely they knew his guard was down because of Eiji, surely he was to blame for everything. 

Maybe... maybe he just wouldn't go-

"Eiji?" A soft voice asked from the other side of the door. "Eiji honey, can I come in?" 

The Japanese boy hummed in response, knowing he didn't really have a choice either way. He sat himself upwards, rubbing his eyes that had been decorated with dark bags underneath them. A blonde woman entered, a white silk robe draping from her shoulders and a blue nightie underneath. 

"Eiji, it's nearly ten, you should be up and getting ready my sweet." Jessica said, in a stern yet soft tone. She flicked the switch that was attached to the side of the wall next to the doorframe, causing the main light to shine suddenly. The orange and pink New York sunrise was already leaking through the blinds, decorating the blue-grey carpet with streaks of colour. 

"How'd you sleep?" The older woman asked, setting a glass of fresh water on the nightstand beside the bed, "are the sheets comfortable enough? Do you need anymore pillows?"

"No thank you Jessica, really, it's all fine." Eiji reassured her in response, offering a half hearted, deeply tired smile. 

He felt her strong hand caress his face, a thumb running along his paled out, hollow cheeks, tracing the clear bone structure. "You have always have impeccable manners." She chuckled, her deep dimples showing off as she smiled, "I wish all the boys in my house were like you, Max is a slob and Michael doesn't say his pleases or thankyou's." 

Eiji cold feel her eyes searching his but he refused to look back. He didn't really know why.   
That was a lie.   
He did know why but he couldn't bare to admit it. The last time he'd locked eyes with someone was when his hand was pulling itself back to his chest as he landed on his knees, the green jade orbs in front of him welling up with tears as he told him to leave. 

The last time Eiji locked eyes with someone he never saw them again.

Instead his honey brown eyes scanned the room, landing on the black suit hanging from a peg on the side of the light wood wardrobe. That was the suit Max had picked out for him to wear today; he hadn't dared try it on yet, not even to see if it fitted. 

Jessice hummed, "must be a Japanse thing, Ibe-San is well mannered too. Apart from the fact he and Max drink like dogs some nights." She huffed, before a smile returned to her face. "If you're not hungry I won't force you to eat today, but at least drink something, okay babes?" 

She was worried about Eiji. One explanation could be her motherly instinct, but to be honest... anyone in their right mind was worried about him. He'd isolated himself already, hardly eating, speaking, and by the looks of it he was hardly sleeping. 

"Okay," the young Japanese boy nodded, piercing his lips so that they turned into a thin line. "What- what time do i need to be ready for the..."  
His voice trialed off, growing thick at the word he wanted to say but couldn't. 

"Be ready in the next hour or so, is that okay?" 

"Yes. Thankyou."

The older woman patted Eijis cheek softly, before recoiling herself away and back toward the doorframe. "Poor soul." She murmured as she exited swiftly through the bedroom door. 

Shakily, the boy clenched at the bed sheets, pulling off the covers draped over him and swinging his legs to the side of the bed. He could feel his heartbeat in his ears as he stood up, trembling as the feet that carried him made their way to the little on suit bathroom attached to the room.

Something told Eiji he was about to be sick, it was probably the feeling of his stomach churning, like a thread wrapping around someone's finger. An uncontrolled heave sprouted from his throat, and suddenly he was crouched over the toilet bowl, fingers clenching into the sides as his uncut hair dangled heavily over his eyes. 

Deep breaths Eiji. Remember how IbeSan did it. 1...2...3.... 

That comforting little voice in his head was the only thing managing to calm him down these days, it was strange the way it could ease him from the riddled anxiety caught in the veins of his whole body. The way it would subside his breathing, stopping him from crying.

He still hadn't cried. 

After a short while, the decision that he wasn't, infact, going to be sick, was finale. He recoiled from the bowl, leaning toward the stout bathroom sink and splashing cold water on his face, he inspected closer noticing the deep circles that sat noticeably under his once bright eyes. 

Perhaps he could use some of Jessica's concealer to cover them up. 

Once he'd endured his much needed cold shower, Eiji stood in his given room with a towel wrapped comfortably around his taunt waist while he stared towards the wardrobe holding the neat, black suit for the day. 

He knew he'd dread every moment while wearing it.


	4. Chapter 4

"Are you ready EiChan?" 

Jessica was at the wheel, Max in the passenger seat beside her. The two were getting on better these days, I guess after the events of everything that had happened they finally realised you should hold onto those you love.

Eiji didn't have such a privilege. 

The woman wore her hair down, blonde locks tumbling past her breasts that were covered over in a tight black dress that reached just passed her knees. Her makeup was subtle, covering up the dark creases that rested beneath her eyes.

Max had a black suit on, a matching tie around his kneck, and he'd clearly taken his time to brush back his hair for once. Eiji had seen Max in many clothes, even the orange jumpsuit the prison had forced him to wear, but never a suit such as the one he wore now, with a soulless expression. 

Eiji gulped, peering out of the tinted windows towards where the small church was stood. "Yes." 

Again Eiji had lied, but it wasn't as though Ibe didn't know that. No one could possibly be ready to see the one they love being placed six feet under the ground. Never to be seen again.

"Is uhhh, is Michael gonna be okay with your sister?" Max asked hesitantly, peering over at his wife who's fingers were tapping the leather wheel in her grip. He was still avoiding any thought of Ash's death. 

It was weird. He had a son, his little Michael whom he was finally reunited with, yet it felt like he'd lost one...   
Fatherly instincts can eat shit.

"He'll be fine, Max." Jessica said, offering a smile as she cupped his hands in her own. "Don't worry about him."   
The four of them exited the car, a winter breeze instantly caressing Eiji's face as his eyes darted to the ground; he couldn't bare to look at those who stood calmly infront of the large building. 

"Eiji!" A voice rang out from the distance, "Eiji, you're here!" 

Eiji's eyes darted at the sudden recognition of his own name. He knew most of the men here, they were gang members who'd come to pay respects to their old and beloved leader.   
"Eiji, I'm glad you showed up." Sing Soo-Ling greeted warmly, a tired smile at his lips. "It feels like ages since I've seen you." He claimed, over exaggerating the word ages with exasperation.

The Japanse boy stared down at the fourteen year old, wondering how he could act so content in a time like this. But as he did, he realised that Sing was used to losing people around him, everyone here was. Gang members died nearly every day, meaning these people mourned a new loss each week of their very existence. 

Eiji offered a smile back, nodding his head slowly in agreement. This poor young boy, only fourteen and lost his own brother and friend at the same time. Eiji felt selfish feeling they way he did, but after all; he'd blamed himself for the two passings completely.

"How have you been?" Eiji asked bluntly, knowing that Sing clearly couldn't be doing well after the previous events.

"Ohhh you know." The young Chinese-American shrugged, "being a gang leader was obviously gonna be tiring but at least Chinatown respect me, or else this was would be a whole lot harder." 

Eijis eyes widened at the statement, of course, he'd completely forgotten that this boy, this boy who was practically only just a teenager, was running a whole gang. When Eiji was fourteen he was worrying about his grades and which girl would go on a date with him; certainly not this.

Suddenly, a strong weight was physically being placed upon Eiji's shoulder. Out of instinct, he ducked, flinching away at the sudden contact as though he was being attacked out of the blue. 

"Hey man, it's just me." Said the recognisable voice of Bones. "Did ya miss me?"  
"Oi bones, give him some space or you'll crush him." Kong demanded, easing an eyebrow at his friend who had suddenly bombarded the Japanese boy. 

Eiji recoiled himself from his flinched position, staring at the two boys in awe. They were dressed in scruffy suits that had clearly been handed down from a charity shop of some sort; but of course that couldn't be helped, at least they'd put in the effort. 

The Japanese boy was suddenly feeling panicked, Sing by himself was okay, but if everyone started speaking to him....   
There was no way he could handle all of that.   
Each person he saw from the time he'd spent from America, it only reminded him more of Ash. It was hurting his chest, pulling at his lungs and swarming his head.. 

"Come on EiChan." Ibe hummed as he walked over from his stance by the car, noticing the younger Japanese boy turning an even paler colour than previous. "We should go inside."


	5. Chapter 5

The ceremony wasn't grand, but it wasn't shabby either. Content. Just how Ash would've liked it. Of course the jade eyed boy would joke about how his funeral is gonna be huge, everyone crying and drinking while he was lowered into the ground inside a grand coffin. 

But no. 

This was how he'd have liked it. His gang... his family, paying respects, for the boy who they deemed a hero. 

It could almost have made the Japanse boy smile. Almost. But the open casket was approaching closer and closer with each step he took, Ibe Sans hand resting in the dip of his back, almost like he knew Eiji was ready to make a bolt for it. 

Out of the corner of his eye he spied a familiar man, wearing a finely tailored suit and hair in a low ponytail, scraped back neatly. He leant against the wall, broad arms folded over his chest as he looked blankly into the distance. Blanca. Eiji didn't think he'd see him here. 

At this point he was looking at anyone, or anything to distract him from having to look ahead. Look ahead at... him. Him lying there, in that casket that had been polished until you could find your own reflection on the surface. 

His mouth went dry, lips parting as he attempted to stop in his tracks.

"You can do it, EiChan." A small voice encouraged, and it was only then that Eiji realised the older man was holding back silent tears himself. "You'll be okay." 

And with another hesitant step, the blonde beauty came into view. A peaceful smile resting at his lips, as though they still bore life: but they didn't. They didn't. And it wasn't fair. 

Expecting himself to have another attack, Eiji clutched at his chest, trying to find his own heart that threatened to yell down his ears, each beat louder and louder till the noise was consuming him. 

'Don't cry. Don't cry. You have come this far without shedding a tear, you can't cry now.' 

But it was too late. He was too beautiful, lying there, blonde locks caressing his face, blonde lashes vibrant compared to the paleness of his skin. Slender, cold, limp, fingers, carefully placed over one another, resting on his stomach.

It was at this moment Eiji really began to appreciate the green that had once sparkled in his beloved eyes. The spirited green holding a long history of pain, but a strong future of love; the green that would never be seen again.

His lip had curled over absentmindedly, trembling through his clenched jaw. Eiji didn't even notice the lump finally breaking loose from his throat, a wretched sob exiting his chapped lips. Echoing around the religious building, letting each and every person know of Eijis bottled up pain. 

And once it started, he found it impossible make it stop. 

Eiji wasn't sure why it took until now for him to cry, maybe he didn't want to believe it, but seeing him lying there... infront him.... dead. It made him shake, sobs and tears spilling out, hands clutching at the thin material sheets which lay underneath the casket as he fell onto his knees, not caring if he got the new suit dirty.

He could hear himself sobbing the word stop. Stop. Stop. 

But stop what? Stop being dead? Stop this feeling? Stop I don't want to be here? 

"Please just make it stop!" 

There were hands on his shoulders, much firmer than Ibe Sans soft ones, they were pulling him back, gentle but demanding, not giving Eiji any other choice but to be pulled away as he reached out towards the coffin that had been blurred out by his tears. 

"No! I need to"- he gasped, "stay, I need to stay by his side!" 

He was being guided out of the building, through the back door where no one could see him. 

"I made him a promise!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry this chapter wasnt very long :) hope you are enjoying so far! - Jess


	6. Chapter 6

Eiji lurched over, tears continuing to create waterfalls down his cheeks as he began to throw up onto the sidewalk outside the church. It felt like his fragile heart was going to spill from his mouth, heavy breaths expiring from his burning lips. 

"Made quite the scene in there kid, didn't ya?" 

A heavy weight was felt upon the pits of Eijis back, not failing to make him flinch and cower from his hunched over position. But soon enough, the unknown fright turned into comforting circles being traced over his back. 

The Japanese boy didn't want to look up, he knew who was stood there. He could tell just by the firm grip that had dragged him out of the church as he poured out his heart. 

No one had ever seen Eiji in such a vulnerable state. Not even himself.

There was obviously past experiences involving heavy hearted tears. When his dad had ended in hospital for the third time due to his repetitive liver problems. Finding out his own mother was unfaithful; she'd secretly been swept off her feet by multiple men whom worked in the same office as her. 

The accident, when he'd injured his leg and was told he may never be able to return to sports again. Eventually, he did return, but the overwhelming pressure of depression had swarmed his life by that point. 

And now this. Those were all painful times but nothing compared to this.

"Blanca, please leave me alone." Eiji finally mustered out, his weight shifting itself against the red and brown brick built wall, avoiding the grotesque mess he'd just created on the ground. 

Of course the older man ignored his request, merely shaking his head with a slanted smile pulling at his lips. "I saw him you know." He said, almost too casually, "just before he died."

Eiji froze, his eyes finally converting from the ground and to Blancas lips. They weren't in a smile, but not exactly a frown either. There was... a remorseful feeling about them.

"We sat on a bench near the park," he continued, not much caring if Eiji protested. "He told me that, when he's near you, he can feel your kind, warmth and honesty flow right through him."  
The older man let out a deep chuckle, as though the memory was from events only minutes ago. "Kid never had a way with words unless it came to you, you know. Said.... he said you made him complete."

Eijis wretched sobs had been reduced to soft tears tumbling down his cheeks, dripping down onto the suit he wore. He couldn't tell if the tears were happy or sad at this point. "We completed each other." He heard himself say.

"Yeah... you did." Blance nodded, his lips twisting upwards slightly. "A while back, we fought, hand combat ordered by Dino... poor kid couldn't stand by the end of it." His frown had returned at the thought. "Hey lay there, on the concrete, and told me 'there is one guy who cares for me and wants nothing in return. I can't believe how lucky I am. It's the happiest feeling in the world.'"

The young Japanese boy let out a hollow breath, his hands shaking as he ran fingers through his hair. "Of course I cared for him." Eiji muttered, almost bitterly to his own surprise, "more than anything in the world." 

And he meant that. It had been the whole truth, and in more ways than one... it still was. 

"Thank you, Blanca."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that the chapters I write aren’t particularly long, I will work on making them longer :) - Jess


	7. Chapter 7

After his conversation with Blanca, Eiji had decided that maybe it would be best to go back inside and face the music. After all, he wasn't the only one mourning over the once gang leader. 

His heart pounded furiously in his head with every step he took, screaming at him to turn around, don't go back into that building, don't go back to where he lay. But ignoring them, his feet treaded lightly, taking him back into the church. 

At this time, the once empty pews were now filing in, not all the way full as having multiple gangs in one area is asking for danger. This is the very last place a fight needs to break out, besides, it's not like the majority of the Chinese gang wanted to show up. After all, Ash had killed one of their own, Lao, and to their understanding, he'd taken away Shorters life too.

Eiji was there. This wasn't the case. Shorter's life had been taken away as soon as they'd injected that fucking drug into his system. And although he shouldn't, he knew deep down in his gut that he shouldn't, he resented Lao.

He was glad he was dead. 

"EiChan." Ibe looked up, as he noticed Eiji scanning the room hollowly, "come, sit. You look like you might pass out."

With a nod, Eiji did as instructed, giving the older man permission to guide him over to the pew at the front of the church where Max and Jessica had both already settled themselves. 

Light was streaming in through the buildings windows, oranges and gold caressing everyone's faces. It wasn't long later when Max decided he was finally ready. With a gulp, the older man made his way up to the front of the church, every step feeling heavy the closer he got, weighing down on his shoulders.

Originally, they'd asked Eiji to give the Eulogy. He'd ended up staring down at his feet blankly for a solid five minutes before slowly shaking his head. "Sorry." He'd told them hoarsely, "I don't think I can." 

"Aslan Callenreese. You all knew him as Ash Lynx, the warrior on the streets, the fearless leader of a gang, the one who never misses a shot when he pulls the trigger. That was Ash Lynx." Max nodded, eyebrows furrowing as he read his discarded notes. "But Aslan Callenreese, was a teenage boy with bright, green eyes, blonde hair, and a whole future ahead of him. Aslan Callenreese was Ash Lynx but he was his own person too."

His voice was wavering, like he was trying not to shout the eulogy instead of read it calmly as he should.

"I have a son, little Michael, and although Aslan is built on the reputation of being both dangerous and unforgiving, he was so.... gentle with him. I can recall after an incident, I was peering out the window and seeing this valerous teen cradling my son in his arms." He gulped, his eyes misting over, "they both looked so fragile."

Eiji clenched his jaw, fists curling into a tight ball so that his fingers dig harshly into the pits of his palm, cutting through his skin. Soft skin was felt over his own, and he peered over to see Jessica caressing his hand in her own, his nails unticking and allowing her to run her thumb over his knuckle. For both their comfort. 

"I like to think Ash saw me as a father." Max continued, a small smile pressed on his face, "he would call me dad sometimes, jokingly, but selfishly it made my heart swell up. His own dad.... that bastard didn't even bother to show up." He murmured the last part under his breath, but loud enough for Jessica to tut behind her teeth. 

"Sorry," he said through a cough, "Ash deserved a father who loved him unconditionally, and I'm glad I got to be that figure. I won't drag on, he'd probably resent me for that." He said with a soft laugh, "but I can tell you he had a heart full of love."

Eiji held his breath, feeling eyes flicker back and forth to him and he slid even further down into his chair, hand locking with Jessica's fingers, like a young schoolboy who'd been called out for graffitiing in the boys toilets. 

"He was proud of his gang. You were his family, and he would want you all to live now that Dino and his sick crew have been taken down. He'd want you to live the way he wanted to. All of us." 

He chocked back the overbearing lump in his throat, before muttering a thank you, furiously wiping a tear from his cheek as he returned back to his position on the other side of his wife.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is really short due to all the online school work I’ve been getting, I have a tonne of assessments we are doing :( I promise I’ll try and update as frequent as possible through all of this!

Eiji didn't sleep that night.

The bland ceiling above the bed he lay in was all to familiar to him now. Each layer of paint, each crack in the unlevel surface, they were staring down at him, daring him to blink. 

They knew that if he blinked the tears would begin to spill.

So they taunted him, instead. Reminding him, of the cracks in his heart, the cracks on the pavement, the cracks in his smile as he lay there, content in the library. 

Max had made an attempt to tell Eiji about how Ash was taken. The whole time he'd explained, the Japanese boy knew that the older man was refraining from telling him certain details, refraining him from the truth. 

"Ash never lets his guard down." Eiji remembered wondering out loud, the words a mumble on his lips. "Never, except for..."

The clench of his jaw snapped him off from his own daunting words of realisation, the words that had lingered in the back of his mind since he'd been told. The words of blame.

"He wanted to go, Eiji." Max had nodded solemnly, "he wanted to make it to the airport. To you." 

As the 19 year old stared up at the roof of his room above, his mind raced, spilling out the scenarios of what happened, and what could have happened. 

How did he look, when the knife plunged his sides?  
Did he fall to the pavement? Or did he stay stood up?   
How quickly did he pull the trigger? How quickly did Lao collapse?

Did no one think to help him?   
Why didn't anyone help him? 

Was the walk to the library a slow, painful one? Did he want to give up? Or was he determined to make it? Make it to their special spot in which they'd shared personal words and conversation? 

Why was his guard down?

Because of you.  
His guard was down, because of you.

The empty words echoed Eiji's mind, the images of Ash spilling out and being replaced with the accusation.

You should've given him the ticket yourself.  
You shouldn't have sent Sing, you should've made Ibe-san drive you.  
Why didn't you make Ibe-san drive you?

You told him go. 

Eijis breath hitched at his throat, droopy eyes widening at the memory. He'd written Ash a letter, a letter expressing his profound feelings and appreciation of the blonde boy who'd he'd fallen so deeply aquatinted with.

But those weren't his last words.

The last time they were together, there hands almost touched, Eiji couldn't see well because of the medication he'd induced, making his surrounding vision turn etches of black and grey, but he could see a hand, and bright green eyes, and hear the sobs and footsteps of the other after he'd shouted

"Go."  
-


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the lengthy time it took for such a small update. Suffering from major writers block, and on top of this I'm being bombarded with great amounts of school work :(

Eiji clutched his case tight in the palm of his hands, knuckles turning white as he did so. The winter breeze swarmed him as he stepped through the door, and although goosebumps ran down his arms and the back of his unscarfed neck, his body felt numb. 

“Thank you so much, for everything.” 

“Eiji babe, you don’t have to thank us for anything. Just make sure you stay in touch, and visit us whenever you like, okay?” 

The Japanese boy pressed a smile to his lips as he nodded, maybe it had a hint of genuineness in it too, his heart felt a cradling warmth at the fact Max and Jessica showed real care for him. Of course the thought it was only out of sympathy haunted him, but he guessed the fact they felt sympathy showed they cared enough.

At first, they’d almost been reluctant to let him go. Of course they never told him no, Eiji was grown up now, and could make decisions for himself, even if he was always gravely hesitant to do so. But, he had the money, and he had the experience. 

Despite the fear of being all alone, Eiji needed to get out of that house. Everytime he entered a room he could feel himself bring it down, everyone’s eyes falling in him as they grinned too widely, and acted too friendly. He couldn’t even fake reflecting the same emotion.

On the bad days, he was the type of quiet that you wouldn’t think could belong to a person, just a walking pulse trying to contain everything in steady heartbeats. A deer, who’s feelings were being chased by a hunters bow.

Beneath the floorboards of his small flat was a store, solely a local place to buy food, drinks and magazines. He’d taken note of the fact that there was a sign beconing him to the window, bold letters informing everyone that job positions were open to the public, and staff was desperately needed.

The young boy chew on his lip vigorously as he sat on the grey matted couch that could desperately use a wash or hoovering down, the invitation on his mind. He knew he’d need to start work sooner or later, he couldn’t live off his photography yet. Not when there wasn’t any foreseen bussiness opportunitys over this time.

Of course he’d still carry on with his photography, despite the fact his camera and laptop were left dusted and untouched at the bottom of his rucksack. A struggle was felt in Eijis chest whenever he went near the device, knowing that just one click away was a beautiful series of photos, blonde hair and green eyes captured in the cameras lense. Like an untouched flower, climbing from a ditch.

He was being pathetic. He knew this, yet disregarded it anyways. Under no circumstance would his mind allow him to linger on the thought of Ash, or the bright smile of Shorter too.

Whenever the toothy smile and purple mohawk appeared in Eijis memory like a sweet song, it was instantly replaced with the clash of drums. A bloody face, curdling screams, knife in hand. And a body, weighing down on his chest.

After a dragged out sigh, and hands running down the length of his face, Eiji decided he’d go for the interview after all. He needed the distraction.


	10. Chapter 10

The days that pass blur around the edges until they reluctantly melt into one another, leaving Eiji with no sense of the amount of time pushing forwards around him. 

Each minute felt numb. Each hour felt overwhelming. 

He knew in some sense what depression was, how it worked, and what it did to you. There was also the fact that he knew for the most part he should be getting some major therapy right about now. But he couldn’t bring himself to do so, he couldn’t talk about it out loud. He refused to even say any of their names, cursing himself whenever they ring about in his mind.

Skipper. Shorter. Ash. 

He dreamt distorted dreams in the night; taunting the trauma that left him alone with his intrusive thoughts. Bullets punching him in the abdomen, over and over again. Vision blurry as he fell to the ground, ears ringing loud. Through his fluttering eyelids he could spy a pale face amongst blonde hair, and a rough voice calling his name. And then he was falling, falling into a room with a thud, knife to his throat, piercing wails echoing the room, wide eyes fearfully clinging to his. “Shorter! Please, no!” He could hear himself croak out in despair. But it was too late, because the knife was driving through his chest and suddenly he was staring at a little boy he’d called his friend, bullet wounds piercing his skin. Body hitting the pavement.

And he woke up.

He drank coffee, despite the bitter distaste he had for it. He would eat breakfast; sometimes. He would stand in the shower and let cold water run down his neck. He would get changed. He would go downstairs, greet his coworkers. He would stand behind a counter and scan items till lunch. He’d eat lunch, sushi most of the time. Even though store bought felt like an insult to his whole culture. And then he’d be working again till he was dismissed. 

And every single time he dragged himself up the stairs, collapsed on his bed, and buried his aching face into his pillow, he resented himself just that little bit more. 

15 year old Eiji would have slapped him. Hard. With a grin on his face he’d tell Eiji to man up, that he has his whole life ahead of him, and there’s no point in giving it up now!  
20 year old Eiji would tell him to stay in Japan. 

No. That was a lie really; he was miserable in Japan too. Maybe not as miserable as he was now, but after the accident he didn’t see his purpose for much longer. Until he did. He had the heavy weight of a camera in his hands, following closely behind Ibe San, cautious of his dangerous surrounding as he stepped into the bar that smelt strongly of beer and cigarettes. 

And there was his purpose. In the shape of a beautiful boy, jade eyes glinting from a distance, even in the dimmed lighting of the room. 

That purpose was no longer. 

Eiji rolled over from his sprawled position on the creaking bed he had slumped on, the sound of his phone buzzing as he did so. He stared at the screen for a moment too long, hesitation eating at him as he contemplated picking it up. 

“H-hello?” Eiji greeted in his home language, feeling familiar with the foreign words rolling off his tongue.

“Ei-Chan! How have you been?” Ibes voice replied, a seemingly forced tone in his voice. “Max told me you started work, I’m proud!” 

Eiji smiled at his efforts, although he knew the could not see each other through the phone he held to his ear. “Thank you Ibe San, it’s been very productive. I have started working in the store below where I live.” 

“The Americans do call it a convenience store for no reason.” The older man attempted at a joke, “how is it? Not too many hours?” 

The Japanse boy knew this trick; he’d used it on Ash many times, just to get him talking when he’d purposely isolated himself, not speaking for hours and hours. It broke Eijis heart to remember he was just a boy. 

“Not too many, don’t worry.” He replied, keeping each sentence blunt in hope of the fact Ibe wouldn’t drag this on. “How is your family doing?” He changed the subject.

Ibe hummed through the phone, “it’s been content,” he said softly, “it was my brothers kids birthday today, Akira, we went an aquarium and ate cake.” 

Eiji rolled onto his back, phone still in his hand and pressed up to his ear as stared off at the ceiling. He wondered if Ash had ever been to an aquarium. 

“How old did he turn?” Eiji wondered out loud. 

The other side of the phone presented a chuckle, and then a sigh, “Akira is a girl, her parents wanted a boy and....” his voice trailed off, “she turned 8 today.”

There was a lingering silence and the two friends realised there was nothing much to talk about after all. Ibe phoned and texted every now and again, and each time it went the same. 

“How are you?”  
“Well thank you, and you?”  
“I am doing well.” 

And each time Eiji would push the topic to whatever the elder had been up to, it’s not like Eiji had anything exciting to talk about himself. Although, he could describe in detail the cracks that decorated the ceiling, and the white and blue tiles on the bathroom wall. 

“I hope you’re well Ei-Chan. Please call me if you need me, and remember to visit Japan again soon.”

“Thank you, I will.”

And another conversation ended with the beep of a phone. And another day ended with nothing achieved.


End file.
